I’ve lived most of my life unconsciously, I still do sometimes, it’s probably the most common state of being, but it’s also a dispersed and often painful state full of drama, doubt and insecurity.
My journey into unconscious started when I was five with an encounter I had with the upstairs neighbor. He took me on a car journey I will never forget. Many decades went by before I had the vocabulary and understanding to express what had happened. It is the kind of story we have come to know as #metoo.
It seems we all have #metoo stories of varying degrees. Yours might not be about childhood sexual abuse but it might be similar to what happened to me next when I was six. That was the story that truly dispersed me, that’s when I started to live in fear of abandonment, rejection and not being good enough to love or be loved.
My quest to please became my guide and my struggle – I believed – was to uncover ways to fit in and make others like me. I searched for acceptance in anyone’s eyes, getting it wrong countless times.
As I moved through life from my teens into adulthood I longed for someone to see me for who I truly was, and still – I didn’t know myself. Believing I was broken and adrift without an anchoring love, a love I thought only someone else had the power to provide.
I spent years believing that the people pleasing me was an expression of love. It took many setbacks, broken friendships, rejections, and heartaches to discover that people pleasing is borne of fear, not love, of control, not compassion, of lack not trust, and most of all, – conditional not unconditional love.
My biggest fear was that of my father, we eventually rejected each other. Decades before he died I forgave and let go as part of the teaching in a course I took. Letting go felt good, though it’s only now after he’s gone, the feeling of fear has lifted.
What I’m looking for, through the work of writing my memoir about living unconsciously for so long, is my own way of conscious living with love, from the core of my being.
It is this journey I share through stories in Speak #TRUTH Lies. I would be honored to share the journey with you.
Love and Light
Speak #TRUTH Lies is making her way into the world and will emerge on a bookshelf near you soon. If you want to know when that happens or you want to follow my conscious living through writing journey let me know in the form below.