This is one of those strange times in my life, when all I can do is lean into love and be ok with all the questions. My Dad was not a good father, still he was the father I had, he was my only father.
Some believe we pick our parents so they can teach us some of the big lessons we are meant to learn in life. In that respect, he was a ‘great teacher.’ Accepting his view of the world without judgment and without having to agree with him is where I’m at today.
I feel the ‘grief,’ – if I can call it that, in my throat. He was not a quiet man, loudly voicing his opinions in political debates, arguments, and instructions, never speaking a word about feelings or emotions. When telling us kids how we should behave, think, or be it was usually with a hint of sarcasm or anger. I didn’t know his anger was not about me. When I was a kid I thought I was the cause of it, – because I just couldn’t be quite good enough in his eyes.
Many of us share similar stories and it is this belief programming Moira talked about today, in her Facebook Live. Because of the negative beliefs I adopted and the fear I had of my father, it’s been 14 years since I last saw him. As a ‘society’ we often judge a daughter who doesn’t visit her ailing father. Maybe, without Moira’s teaching, I would have adopted that judgment attitude of myself, and piled more shame on top of the weight I was already carrying. Thankfully, because of what I’ve learned from Moira’s teaching, the support, and safe space I’ve found in her Facebook groups, and some amazing friends – I didn’t. Instead, I searched for peace in how I felt about him.
Today he is at peace.
His voice and anger silent, leaving me with deep inner peace, a final sign of forgiveness. I am safe now, he will anger no more.
I have no right to speak for him beyond the grave and still, that is what I will do. With him gone I can choose the answers to all the questions, and I choose LOVE.
Next Wednesday we will follow him to his final resting place on Atløy, a most beautiful island far out in the North Sea. Here he will always have the view of the ocean, the sun and the constellation, the sound of the waves, the wind, and the seagulls.
He will rest here in Peace with all my Love ❤️
Much Love and Light
“When you’re writing – you want the truth – and you don’t want to be apologetic about it – not one bit”
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